


The Ties that Bind

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Best Friends, Bonding, Comfort, Domestic Violence, Drinking, F/M, Grief, Past Child Abuse, Pining, unhealthy realtionship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-20 13:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14261994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Imagine Rafael, your best friend, finding out about your unhealthy relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn’t get to finish tonight’s chapter of demons, but here’s the first chapter of something small that I already had ready :) Hopefully I’ll have another chapter up tomorrow of this and for demons sigh. Hopefully

It had started out innocently. First you had to testify in a brutal rape double homicide case that Barba was prosecuting. Working with Special Victims was never what you would call a fun job by any means but helping victims made it so worth it. This, however, made you sick to your stomach. You had hated the case from the moment it had come in and the long witness prep had been annoying as hell. It was like Barba didn’t trust you up there, like he conveniently forgot you had testified for him hundreds of times and helped win him more than a few cases. Afterwards, you sat at your desk, tiredly. “Hey, (Y/N), you okay?” Sonny asked, collapsing into his own chair.

“Fine,” you whispered back, your head starting to pound. You picked up your favorite pen, twirling it around in your hand. Your partner pushed a piece of candy onto your desk. He had a massive stash of hershey kisses hidden somewhere over there, and he knew you loved chocolate. You picked it up, shooting him a grateful look to which he just smiled.

“Alright, well I’m going to need a lot more than that Liv,” Barba explained, strolling out of your boss’ office. He set his briefcase down on the table, pulling out his phone. After a few minutes, he looked up and saw you moping at your desk,

“Hey, (Y/L/N), smile, you did great up there,” he offered, one of his lopsided grins accompanying the encouragement. You furrowed your brow, what the hell was he up to, he was never this nice to you. Usually you were the end of one of his crack comments or getting screamed at by the sharp dressed attorney.

“Thanks,” you muttered, standing up to go pour yourself a coffee. It wasn’t like you hated the man, but he could be a real asshole when he wanted to, so him randomly being kind to you, it rubbed you the wrong way, made you wary. When you looked back over at him, he was talking with Liv again, trying to brainstorm about the newest case you guys had picked up that morning. You headed over to the table, taking a look at the work Amanda and Fin had already done while you were in court.

“(Y/N)?” Amanda called from across the room, “There’s someone here to see you,” You turned around, practically fainting when you saw who it was.

“(Y/N),” he said simply. You felt like someone had just punched you in the gut, all of your breath leaving you. You could feel Liv and Barba’s eyes boring into the side of your head as you stood there shocked for a few moments, “Sweetheart, come give your old man a hug,”

“What the hell do you think you are doing here?” you finally asked bitterly, taking a few shaky steps towards him,

“I came to see you,” he said like that explained anything, he hadn’t given a damn about you for your entire life. Sonny stood up, watching you closely, he knew all about this, he had been the only one you had divulged the disturbing details to.

“You have no right to be here, you should leave, now,” you said, tears starting to cloud your vision. You gulped, _don’t cry, don’t cry, it will make him_ _more angry_.

“(Y/N), come on-”

“She said leave,” Sonny interrupted, drawing himself to his full height. Your father looked long and hard at you before shaking his head and walking out. You had to compose yourself afterwards, your hands were shaking. “Hey, it’s okay,” Sonny whispered, coming over and squeezing your arm. You ran a hand through your hair, trying to breathe normally.

“What was that about?” Fin asked, coming over to where you were standing.

“My dad,” you said softly, “I don’t know why he, I haven’t talked to him in years, look he beat the shit out of me when I was a kid. I don’t know why he was here now, can I go, I need to, I need to go,” Liv nodded, looking at you, concern in her eyes. You just grabbed your jacket, heading outside to a cab. And that is how you ended up in a bar, drinking more than you had in ages. At first you were alone, left in your own thoughts, trying to banish the memories that were resurfacing, but then a man dropped into the seat beside you, leaning over and saying,

“Bourbon? Let me get you another round,” You looked up at the familiar voice and saw Rafael Barba looking at you. You sure as hell weren’t going to turn down a free drink,

“Sure, thank you,” you whispered, tracing the rim of the cup with your finger. The bartender set another glass in front of you as you finished off your last one. “So what brings a big attorney like you here?” you asked, looking up at Barba. The bar you were in certainly wasn’t seedy, but there were far more classy establishments that you would expect to find him at. You were surprised, but that wouldn’t stop you from making idle conversation—he bought you a drink, the least you could do was talk to him.

“Tough case this morning,” he said, taking a sip of his own drink, “Disturbing to say the least,” You nodded softly. After a few moments of your silence, he added, “Are you alright (Y/L/N)?”

“You can call me (Y/N),” you corrected, “I-I’m okay, just the case and seeing my father again, it was a lot for one day,” He looked at you knowingly,

“This job is rewarding, but sometimes bourbon is a good friend,” Barba replied. It was quiet again for a few minutes, but what he said next shocked you, “My father has been dead for fifteen years, and everytime I think about him, I can’t help but break out a drink. I couldn’t even imagine what happened to you today,”

“We should make a club,” you said softly, smiling softly. The conversation flowed after that, the two of you talking about cases, family, and trading stories about terrible fathers. By the time you thought to look at a clock, it was an ungodly hour of the morning, but you felt better. Talking things out with someone like that, it was nice, and to your surprise after the next case, there he was again at the same bar, in the same seat, a drink already ordered for you when you arrived, “Barba, a little presumptuous, no?” you said grinning as you took a seat,

“Who said that was for you?” he teased, “And please, it’s Rafael,” You laughed, shaking your head at him. It surprised you how much you enjoyed his company, and it quickly turned into a regular occurrence. The sharp tongued attorney was no longer just the sarcastic man who at times had made your job a living hell, but instead he was someone you could talk to about things that you didn’t tell anyone else. Your new found friendship was something you hadn’t known you wanted, but now that you had it, you couldn’t imagine going back to lonely nights at home when your boyfriend was out of town, having no one that you really confided in. Rafael was like a breath of fresh air. Things had been tense at home recently on top of all your work stress, so an excuse to get out of the house for a while was welcomed.

It was a night like this, after a long case that had taken some very creative work on Rafael’s part, that you found yourself laughing at his jokes, and smiling when he told you about his grandmother. It wasn’t until close to two am that you decided to call it a night and stood up, starting to dig around for some cash to pay your bill. “I’ve got it,” Rafael interjected, setting down enough to cover both of your tabs.

“You didn’t have to do that,” you replied, swaying slightly. The lawyer reached out to steady you, but you took a step back, “I’m fine,” you slurred.

“(Y/N), let me walk you home,” he said, laughing softly, “You seem to have had a little much to drink,”

“Oh shut up,” you shot back, “I’m not drunk,” your claim was accentuated by you losing your balance and stumbling right into his arms,

“Mmhmmm,” Rafael replied, a stupid grin on his face, “Sober as a judge,”

“Oh go to hell,” You blushed slightly. Rafael held tight to you, trying to get you back up on your feet. All you could think about was how good he smelled, and what the hell, you must have had more than you thought. He held up your jacket for you, but it took you an embarrassingly long amount of time to get your limbs to go exactly where you wanted, and he still had that infuriating smile on his dumb face that looked even more attractive than usual somehow. Where had that come from? You were so wasted. He pulled his own jacket on, grabbing his brief case, and then walking you out of the bar, a hand on your arm to keep you upright. You walked the six blocks to your apartment in companionable silence before Rafael left you to get upstairs by yourself and hailed a cab. You turned to go inside when his voice rang out in the silence,

“(Y/N),” you turned around. Rafael was looking at you, smiling softly, “Come by my office for lunch tomorrow?” he asked. He looked slightly apprehensive and honestly you weren’t sure what to say. Did he mean this as a friend, as more? You weren’t able to contemplate it further due to his hurried explanation, “We can talk about your testimony for next week,”

“Sure, of course,” you said, smiling at him, “Noon?” he nodded, waving at you before turning to climb into his cab. You stumbled into the building, riding the elevator up to your floor and thinking about how much you would regret this tomorrow. You couldn’t help but be excited for your new lunch plans. Rafael was a good friend, a good person to talk to. He never failed to have some sort of comment that made you laugh. Your apartment was dark when you opened the door, you weren’t sure if Kyle was even home, but you hadn’t seen him in close to a week. You spotted his dark figure on the couch, a bottle of beer in his hand, “Hey Ky,” you said softly, setting your bag and jacket down,

“Where the hell have you been?” Kyle asked, downing the rest of his drink.

“Out, had some drinks with a friend. I didn’t know you’d be home tonight, why didn’t you text me?” you asked. Great, Kyle was pissed off. You made your way over to the couch, hoping to smooth this over before it turned into another fight.

“You wouldn’t have cared,” he bitterly replied pulling away from the hand you tired to rest on his shoulder.

“Kyle-” you started to say, trying to fix this, but he stood up.

“I can smell him on you (Y/N)!” he hissed, “Who is it, who the hell are you fucking?”

“Kyle, I’m not fucking anyone but you, come on, I was a little drunk, my friend caught-” your hurried explanation was cut off by his fist flying at you. By the time you knew what hit you, you were on the ground your face stinging, stunned. Kyle had just hit you. He had just punched you in the face.

“(Y/N), (Y/N), oh my god, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” Kyle started to blather. You could feel your eye already starting to swell, don’t cry, damn it don’t cry. It will make it worse. You felt so damn stupid, how the hell did you let this happen to yourself again. Kyle had always been gentle, he was a real estate agent, and you never had seen any shades of violence. Sure, he drank too much, but so did you. He had yelled at you before, you had gotten in fights, but this, this seething jealousy, it was new. When you looked back at his face, he was practically sobbing, and your head was swimming, “I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry, please forgive me (Y/N), I love you, please,” He couldn’t have meant this, you decided, he didn’t, Kyle had just gotten angry. This wouldn’t ever happen again.

“It’s okay Kyle,” you finally whispered, shutting your eyes, you felt sluggish, your head pounding. It hurt like hell. Your eye was almost swollen shut.

“Here, let me get you some ice,” he murmured after helping you up onto the couch. There were stars floating in your vision when you tried to look around, so you just kept your eyes closed, holding the cold compress against your face. Kyle was still apologizing,

“Kyle, shut up,” you finally whispered, “Go to bed, you’re making my headache worse,” He was quiet for a few minutes before kissing your forehead,

“Okay, I love you, and I am so, so sorry (Y/N),” Kyle whispered. You just kept your eyes shut, laying there alone when he finally left. _Shut up (Y/N), you worthless little bitch. Stop crying._ You still carried the small, round cigarette burns, the scars from your childhood, and now you bore a mark of your continued failure. At least this one would fade and disappear with time. What were you going to do tomorrow, how would you explain this? Your head was still pounding, so you stopped worrying about it and pressed the ice harder against your eye that was surely a nasty color of purple by then. It was hours before you were finally able to fall asleep.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………..

When you woke up, it was still dark. Your head still felt fuzzy, the pounding sensation heightened by your hangover. You stumbled up and off the couch, heading to the bathroom. Your eye was an ugly mess of black and blue and it was swollen almost shut. You felt a little dizzy. It was early, almost six am, so you got some more ice from the kitchen and sat at the table, just holding it on your eye. Today was going to be a long day. How were you going to go into the office like this? No way Sonny would let you get away with not explaining it. Maybe you could cover it up with make up. You dug out your cell phone from your pocket, dialing Liv’s phone number. There was no way in hell you were going in at seven. After you finished calling off for the morning, you laid back down, trying to calm the awful headache you had. Kyle was up and getting ready by eight, and you endured a whole half hour of him fussing over you and apologizing profusely before he finally left you alone again.

You dragged yourself up again around ten, taking a warm shower and getting dressed. You spent forever trying desperately to cover up the bruising with make up but eventually you just had to give in and throw a pair of sunglasses on. It was eleven thirty by the time you got yourself out the door and started driving toward the station. You were probably just doing paper work today anyways, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad you told yourself. You didn’t have court-you froze. How the hell had you forgotten you had lunch plans. You quickly adjusted where you were headed so you could go over to Rafael’s office like you promised. Now you were nervous all over again. Rafael wasn’t going to let you write off this black eye. You felt nauseous, but you parked and climbed out of the car, slowly making your way up to his floor. Your head still hurt, maybe Rafael had some ibuprofen. Actually, it was likely he did, he usually had something on hand for his migraines. He was sitting at his desk, picking at some chex mix and looking through a casefile. You knocked on the door, standing just inside the room, “(Y/N)?” Rafael said, looking up, a smile forming on his face. He stood up, “Liv said you were out sick this morning, I didn’t think you were coming,”

“And miss this?” you said, “You promised me lunch,” He laughed, grabbing his jacket and his phone, and coming over, a hand resting on the small of your back,

“Carmen, push my meetings an hour, I’ll be back later,” Rafael instructed as you headed out the door. He was grinning as you walked down the street, bumping shoulders with you, “So, how was your head this morning?” he said, practically snickering, but you just glared.

“I wasn’t that drunk,” you argued, rolling your eyes. He just shook his head,

“You practically fell on top of me, I thought I was going to have to carry you home,” Rafael teased.

“Haha, I know better than to get that drunk, I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself,” you shot back. Rafael laughed. You walked for a while in companionable silence, just enjoying each other's company.

“So where were you this morning after all?” he finally asked softly. You tensed up slightly, trying to think of something to say,

“I really wasn’t feeling that great earlier, but maybe it was just the hangover,” you joked, not looking up at him.

“It’s okay, I won’t tell Liv,” he whispered conspiratorially, trying to make you laugh. You just gulped. “Hey, you okay? I was just kidding,” You could barely breathe, trying not to let yourself cry. This whole damn situation was hell.  
“Fine, fine, sorry,” you replied, “I just had a long morning. That’s all,” Rafael seemed to sense something was off with you, but you were at the restaurant. Rafael signaled the hostess for a table for two, turning to you,

“Sonny told me you like this place,” he said, smiling.

“I was wondering how you managed to pick my favorite restaurant,” you replied, laughing. Rafael grinned. He pulled out your chair for you when you got to the table, taking your coat off.

“Should I ask them to dim the lights?” Rafael asked, in a sarcastic tone. You frowned, what the hell was he talking about. “The sunglasses,” he added in response to your confused look, “I wasn’t going to say anything, but we are inside and you are wearing sunglasses,” he looked amused, watching you carefully. You nervously looked away, taking a breath. What could you do besides take them off, you couldn’t rationalize keeping them on. Your hands shook as you reached up and pulled them off, and his surprised gasp made you feel like you crying, “Oh my god, (Y/N), what the hell happened?” he asked, standing up and coming closer to look at your face. “Who did that?” Rafael was gently holding your face still so he could look at your eye.

“I’m fine Rafael,” you whispered, “It’s nothing okay, I got into a scuffle with a perp the other day, I guess it just started showing,”

“You didn’t say anything about it last night,” he said, his brow furrowing. You were saved from having to answer by the waiter coming by for your drink orders.

“I didn’t say anything because it isn’t a big deal,” you replied once you had asked for an iced tea.

“Well I wouldn’t want to see him if that’s what you look like,” Rafael said, realizing you wanted to drop the conversation. He gave you a soft lopsided smirk that made you smile. The rest of your lunch was nice. You listened to him talk about his family and complain about the D.A. hounding him. You laughed at his jokes, and quietly ate your pasta. When the waiter brought the check, you reached for it. Drinks had been on Rafael the night before, you didn’t see why lunch couldn’t be on you, but Rafael snatched it from your hands, “Oh, no you don’t. I’ve got it,” he said, pulling out his card.

“Oh but you paid for drinks last-” you started to argue, but he held up a hand,

“I’ve got it, (Y/N), it’s fine,” Rafael interrupted. You sighed but let the argument go. If he was hell bent on paying, you couldn’t really stop him. Your phone started buzzing in your pocket, so you pulled it out, answering,

“Yeah, what’s up?” you asked.

“Hey (Y/N),” Sonny said, “We’ve got a case down at the precinct, I need you to get down here and give me some help,” You stood up, pulling your jacket on.

“Okay, well I can be there in like ten minutes. I’m here with Barba, should I bring him down too?” you asked.

“Oh, you two finally went on that hot date, I told him where you liked to eat,” Sonny teased, “What’s Kyle think about all this?” You knew Sonny was just kidding, but he wasn’t helping your current mood. You grabbed your sunglasses, itching to put them back on.

“Kyle doesn’t care, Sonny,” you hissed. Rafael was looking at you weird. “Look, we’ll be there soon,” you hung up. Rafael stood up, signing the bill when it came back and pulled on his jacket and scarf. “Apparently we’re needed,” you said. Rafael just nodded, following you out of the restaurant. You walked briskly back to your car, and he climbed in after rushing back inside for his briefcase. Your phone started to ring again, but it was Kyle and you just couldn’t talk to him, you didn’t want to deal with it, so you just let it buzz.

“(Y/N),” he said softly, looking concerned, “Are you sure everything is alright?” You just nodded, driving towards the precinct silently. Your whole body was rigid. Your phone started buzzing again. You felt Rafael’s hand on your leg, “Whatever is going on with you, just breathe,” he said gently, “Take a really deep breath, it helps,” You felt tears starting to cloud your vision, _don’t cry, don’t cry, crying makes it worse, don’t cry._ You took his advice, breathing in slowly through your nose and letting it out through your mouth. When you parked, you had to cover your face for a few seconds, trying to calm down. Rafael squeezed your arm, “Do you want me to wait here with you for a few minutes?”

“I-I’m okay Rafael, it’s alright,” you replied, grabbing your phone. “Go on in, I have to take this phone call. Tell Sonny I’ll be there in a couple of minutes,” Rafael nodded, heading into the building. You climbed out of the car, answering your phone, “Kyle? What’s going on?” you asked.

“I wanted to check on you after last night,” Kyle said, his voice sounding worried.

“I’m at work Kyle, I don’t have time to talk. I’m fine, I told you that this morning,” you replied, still trying to calm yourself down. This panic was something you hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Don’t be like that (Y/N), I said I was sorry,” now he sounded annoyed.

“Be like what Kyle?” you asked incredulously, “I told you I’m fine more than once. Please just let it go,”

“Be home early tonight and I would love it if you lost the attitude,” Kyle replied, bitterly, hanging up immediately afterwards. You stood there, a sick feeling in your stomach. You had to go inside, you didn’t have time to have a panic attack, so you collected your things from your car and headed into the squad room. Rafael turned towards you from his spot across the room when you set your things on your desk, his concerned gaze boring into you. You tried not to meet his eyes,

“(Y/N), you okay?” Sonny asked, a hand on your shoulder.

“Yeah, yeah,” you whispered, “I just need to use the restroom quickly. I’ll be out in a moment,” You stared at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes, trying to just slow down and stop feeling like the world was about to end. So what that Kyle hit you, so what. It wasn’t like you hadn’t been hit before, it wasn’t like he meant to hurt you. He said he was sorry which was sure as hell more than you ever got from your dad. You just wanted to forget it ever happened, but this damn black eye. You put your sunglasses back on, taking a deep breath before heading back out into the main room. “Okay, what’s going on?” you asked in a stronger voice than you thought you were capable of.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………..

When you got home that night, the lights were dimmed and there was soft music playing. Kyle was grinning at you, a bouquet of roses in his arms, “Hey (Y/N), come on, sit down. I got dinner,”

“Kyle, I don’t know okay, I-I need to lay down I think. I’m not feeling so well,” you replied. Your head really was spinning. Liv had almost sent you home early, but you had convinced her to just chain you to your desk for the rest of the day instead. Rafael had been blowing up your phone all day, he had been hesitant to leave you. You had told him about your past struggles with depression and you had a feeling that was why he was so worried, but you just wanted everyone to shut up and leave you alone.

“So you’re going to be like that,” Kyle griped, setting down the roses, and starting to pace, “How many fucking times to do you want me to say it? I’m sorry okay, I said I was sorry. What the hell is your problem,”

“No, Kyle, no,” you quickly said, rushing over to grab his arm and rub your hand across his back, “I’m not upset with you, I promise, I just really don’t feel well. I-I’ll eat something,” He ran a hand through his blond hair, tears in his eyes,

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled. I-I’m just really stressed from work, I’m sorry (Y/N), please forgive me again. I’ll help you back to bed,” He was practically sobbing, sitting next to you in bed, so you just cradled his head against your chest, stroking his hair,

“It’s okay Kyle, I’m okay,” you whispered.

“I can’t live without you, I’m sorry, I love you,” he whispered. You heard your phone buzzing, and you knew it was Rafael checking on you, but you forced yourself to just leave it. You felt dizzy, your thoughts were scattered and you really needed something for your headache. It was going to be a long night.  
…………………………………………………………………………………………..

You collapsed down into your chair. The last week had been brutal. You had worked so much overtime, you could fall asleep right there in your chair. “(Y/N), you wanna go out for some cannolis or something? I’m starving, we should get out of here,” Sonny called from his desk. You were tempted, you really really were. Kyle was out of town at some conference for the weekend, your apartment was dark and empty, but you also really just wanted to collapse into your bed.

“Maybe tomorrow Sonny, I really don’t feel so great right now. I’m about to head home. I need some sleep,” you replied.

“You heading home to Kyle?” your partner asked, pushing his chair over closer to you.

“No, Kyle’s out of town. I’ve got a bottle of wine and some ibuprofen waiting for me,” you said with a laugh.

“How’s your eye? I still don’t remember you getting hit in the face,” Sonny commented, standing up and pulling on his coat. You gulped, biting the inside of your lip,

“It’s much better, but I need to go visit my chiropractor I think, I can’t shake these damn headaches,” you replied, skirting around his other comment. Sonny patted your shoulder, heading out. After finishing your paper work, you finally dragged yourself up and out to your car. You pulled your phone out, fully expecting some texts from Rafael asking if you wanted to go out for drinks, but he had been eerily quiet the past few days. You hadn’t seen him at work at all, and he hadn’t texted you either. On a whim, just because of a bad feeling you had in the pit of your stomach, you shot him a text. ‘Hey, long time no see. What gives Raf?’ It was a good few minutes before he replied.

 _‘You wanna come over? I could use some company and some more whiskey’_ You laughed a little to yourself, promising to be over as quickly as you could. You picked up a bottle of bourbon, something you knew he would enjoy, and some take out because you were starving, and headed over to his apartment. You let yourself in, he had said the door was open. Rafael was sitting in his living room, his head buried in his hands. The room was dark. You were immediately concerned, he never acted like this. Sure, he had told you things that reminded you of your own childhood, some that were worse, but this was different. You walked over to the couch, setting the bags down on the coffee table, “Rafael, are you okay?” you asked gently, running a hand across his back. He was clad in a pair of sweatpants and a ratty, small Harvard tee shirt that revealed angry looking scars that mirrored some of your own.

“(Y/N)?” he asked softly, looking up at you. “What are you doing here?” You could smell the whiskey on him, his words were slurred.

“Raf, you asked me to come over, what’s going on?” his eyes were glassy and red rimmed.

“It’s all my fault,” Rafael whispered, in a voice so broken, you wrapped your arms around him on a whim. You weren’t sure how he would react, you didn’t hug each other or even link arms usually, but he leaned into your embrace, clutching at your shirt, so you figured it was comforting.

“Rafael, what the hell are you talking about,” you murmured against his hair after a few moments of his soft sobbing.

“M-my Abuelita,” he whispered, “She said she didn’t want to move, I-I pushed her, and now-I killed her (Y/N), it’s all my fault,” Your heart sunk. He had told you about how he was pushing his grandmother to move into a care facility, and how much she loved her little place in the Bronx. It was hard for him to make her do something she didn’t want but you had assured him that he was just trying to do what was best for everyone.

“Oh Rafael,” you whispered, “I’m so sorry,” You stroked his hair, just letting him try to work through his emotions. You knew he wasn’t really in a talking mood, and by his body language, your presence was soothing to some degree. Rafael eventually pulled away, looking slightly embarrassed,

“Sorry you had to see that,” he whispered, wiping at his face.

“Oh hush,” you murmured back, “I brought food because I’m starving. You are welcome to have some,” Rafael was quiet, but he took the fork you pushed into his hand. You handed him a container of chinese food that you knew he would like. He humored you, picking at it for a while. When he reached for his drink, you pushed it away, giving him a hard look, “I think you’ve had enough,” you commented, taking another bite of your own food. Rafael scowled slightly, but he knew you were right.

“I never should have tried to make her leave,” he whispered after a while, “I should have just let her stay,” Rafael’s voice broke again slightly.

“Rafael, don’t do that, you can’t do that to yourself,” you said, taking his hand in your own. He was shaking slightly.

“(Y/N), how can I not,” he snapped, “I was making her leave, she said she wanted to die in her own home,” He stood up, running a hand through his hair, choking up slightly. You stood up too, following him over to the glass door out to the balcony. The cold air made you shiver, but you stood behind him as he stared out at the New York skyline. You ran a hand across his shoulder and back again.

“Rafael, you were trying to do what was best for her and your mother. This was not your fault, please believe me,” His knuckles were turning white as he gripped the railing. He was tense. “Come back inside, it’s cold,” you murmured after a bit. Rafael reluctantly followed you back to the couch, and this time you let him grab the glass of bourbon. You ignored your buzzing phone, Rafael needed you, and you sure as hell were going to be there for him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn what a long couple of days....I’m literally so beat and it’s only Monday. Thank you for the well wishes about my brother. Idk what’s gonna happen with him, but I’m holding out for the best. He’s been actions more normal today. Here’s the end of this one and I’m about to get up the next chapter of demons which isn’t anywhere near as long as I was hoping but oh well.

Rafael didn’t fully act like himself for a while. It was little things, a look in his eyes, his tone of voice, the slump in his shoulders, but you could tell. Your nights at the bar tended to be more quiet, you still battling your own feelings of depression. Finally around Christmas, he seemed to perk up. He took you out to lunch a few times, smiling the whole time and still refusing to allow you to pay the bill. More than once you caught him staring at you, a dopey smile on his face, but you pretended not to notice. Things had been good, Kyle had been calm and you hadn’t been fighting, and you didn’t want things to change. What you had going on was good. Never mind the fact that you got butterflies every time Rafael’s hand brushed your back, never mind that you were more excited when your phone buzzed and it was a text from him than you were to go home and spend the evening with your own boyfriend. Rafael had so much in common with you, things that you didn’t talk to many people about, and if that somehow got ruined-you couldn’t lose him.

It continued to go well until the office Christmas party. You had been dreading it for weeks. Kyle had insisted on accompanying you there, and you were nervous. Rafael was sure as hell going to attend and Sonny had been giving you a hard time about your bruises for a while. You didn’t want it to get heated at all, you didn’t want things to start going downhill, not again. So there you were, pulling on the stupid ugly sweater that Kyle had bought and a pair of skinny jeans and converse and doing your makeup. Kyle picked you up, smiling and talking to you about his latest sale the whole way to the precinct. You zoned out, thinking about the night before when you had been up texting Rafael until late. He had been at the office, finishing paper work, and you had just been home, watching reruns of Friends because Kyle, of course, had cancelled your plans again for some work thing. You basically talked about nothing, but somehow it had been one of the highlights of your week. “(Y/N)?”

“What sorry, I got distracted,” you said. Kyle’s face soured slightly, but it was only for a moment.

“We’re here,” he said, climbing out of the car and opening the door for you. You smiled softly, taking his hand and walking with him towards the door.

“Hey (Y/N)! Kyle,” Sonny called, coming over from across the room. You smiled at your partner, but you felt Kyle’s hand tighten around yours. Kyle trailed behind you as you talked to the different members of the squad, only leaving your side to get you both some punch. Everyone was there except Rafael, and he had directly told you he was excited for the party, so you were slightly concerned for him.

“So, you wanna get out of here?” Kyle asked softly, smiling at you as he pressed the glass of punch into your hand. You frowned. You had barely been here for a half hour, what the hell was he talking about,

  
“No, not really, we just got here Kyle,” You replied. He scowled slightly, taking a sip of his punch. You could feel Sonny’s eyes on you. Suddenly the door opened and in strolled Rafael,

“Sorry I’m late guys, I got held up at the office,” he said, pulling off his jacket. You immediately brightened, Kyle stiffening beside you.

“Hey Barba,” Liv said grinning, “We were wondering where you were,” Rafael was wearing a pair of jeans and a thin, hooded long sleeve. It was weird seeing him so dressed down. The only other time you had really seen him wearing anything short of a polo and dress slacks was when you went over to his place after his grandmother died.

“Hey (Y/N),” Rafael said, smiling as he walked towards you, “Long time no see,”

“Oh shut up Rafael, I saw you yesterday,” you said, laughing, “Calhoun hold you up on the Martinez case?”

He smiled, taking a sip of his punch, “Yeah, she was arguing with me, nothing more than the usual. We got nowhere. So are you going to introduce me to your friend?” he added, looking amused. You bit your lip, you had almost forgotten about Kyle.

“Yes, yes of course, excuse me, Rafael, this is Kyle, Kyle, this is Rafael Barba from the D.A.’s office,” You said. Kyle was still tense, his nails digging into your arm. You pulled your arm from his grip.

“I’m (Y/N)’s boyfriend,” Kyle stated, reaching a hand out to shake Rafael’s. You saw the brief look of confusion that went across your friend’s face, but it disappeared almost immediately. Kyle excused himself to the bathroom after a few more minutes of small talk. Rafael just smiled at you,

“Well you look gorgeous tonight, not that you don’t always look gorgeous,” he said. You smiled,

“I have to say, I like the casual look on you Barba,” you replied.

“(Y/N),” Rafael said softly, rubbing the back of his neck, “Is there a reason you didn’t tell me about Kyle. I mean come on, I thought we were better friends than that,”

You stared at the ground for a few minutes, tears starting to fill your eyes. _Damn it, don’t cry, don’t cry. “_ It’s not that serious Raf, I wasn’t sure how long it would last to be honest. I don’t know,” Rafael looked a little hurt, but he let it go.

“Here, let me get you some more punch,” he said, smirking. He returned moments later, two glasses of punch and a plate of snacks.

“How’s your mother recently?” you asked, taking the punch and some chex mix.

“She’s good, still taking Abuelita’s death hard. I’m going over to her house on the twenty fourth I think,” he replied, you could still see the sadness in his eyes.

“Any plans for the twenty fifth? Kyle is going out of town, I was thinking you might want to hang out,” you offered. Kyle had just told you he had some work thing, and you knew Rafael likely wasn’t doing much.

He looked away for a second, obviously contemplating your offer. You had a bad feeling, he wouldn’t want to stop spending time with you just because of Kyle would he? “I’m not doing anything. My place or yours?” he asked finally, looking up at you.

“Yours,” you said, feeling slightly relieved, “I don’t even have a tree up,”

“I mean, I don’t either,” Rafael replied, laughing softly. He took a bite of a cupcake, getting icing all over his face. You giggled, reaching up and wiping it from the corner of his mouth with your thumb. He laughed.

“(Y/N),” Kyle’s voice was calm, but you could hear the anger. You had heard the tone enough times. You excused yourself, wincing when Kyle grabbed your arm roughly, practically dragging you to a more private area. “Let’s go, we’re going home. Get your coat,” he hissed, his face turning red. You weren’t in the mood to argue, so you quietly headed over, getting your coat, hugging your friends goodbye. You could feel Rafael’s gaze on you as he talked to Sonny. They both looked concerned. The car ride was tense, Kyle’s hands turning white as he gripped the wheel tightly. When you got in the door, you headed to the couch, trying to ignore the fear that was welling up inside of you. Kyle looked mad. He banged around in the kitchen for a few minutes, returning with a glass of whiskey. “So is that him? Is that the guy you’ve been spending all your time with?” he asked, an accusatory tone to his voice.

“Kyle, he’s just my friend, we work together,” you replied.

“Oh no, don’t even pretend. I saw the way he looks you. When did you start sleeping with him (Y/N)? Huh?” Kyle exploded, throwing the glass at the wall. You flinched when it shattered.

“Kyle-”

“No, shut up bitch. You shamelessly flirted with him, I saw. I’m not stupid,” he hissed. You stood up, trying to reason with him,

“Kyle, I’m sorry if I made you feel like that, look Rafael and I are just friends, nothing more,” Kyle just shook his head, reaching out and grabbing a handful of your hair, throwing you into the wall,

“I don’t think so,” he said darkly. Your head felt fuzzy, the wind knocked out of you. Kyle just kept getting closer and closer and closer.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Rafael had sounded slightly hurt and extremely concerned when you called to cancel your Christmas plans. You didn’t go and visit him in his office, you didn’t go to the bar after cases anymore, you just kept your head low and tried to not infuriate your boyfriend. It hurt, you didn’t want to do this to your friend, but you felt cornered, and Kyle was just jealous. It wasn’t fair to make him feel that way, you had been flirtatious, you hadn’t been acting how you should. Rafael texted you for weeks, he called, but you didn’t answer. When you saw him at work, you left before he could take it from professional to personal. You were fairly successful at avoiding him until a few months after the Christmas party when you were in the squad room, working on a case with Sonny while Rafael was talking to Liv. “Carisi, can I have a word with you?” Liv asked, opening her door. Rafael came out, and smiled when he saw you,

“Hey, are you mad at me or something?” he asked softly, taking a seat next to your desk.

“No,” you replied, not looking up from your work, “Why would you think that?” Rafael was quiet for a few moments,

“(Y/N), come on. Let me buy you a drink tonight,” he finally said. You just shook your head and went back to your work. You couldn’t look at him, you would break. This was a bad idea, all of it, you needed to stop it before it went further. “Alright, I don’t have time for this,” Rafael sounded wounded, leaving the precinct. You dropped your head into your hands, hurting him was the last thing you wanted. You couldn’t leave it like this. Rafael had been nothing but kind to you. You stood up, grabbing your jacket, but when you got outside, he was already gone. Damn it, he had court the rest of the day. You grabbed your phone, calling him, but it went straight to voicemail. You really fucked up and you knew it. Later that night, you sat at the bar, waiting, hoping that he would show up.

  
“He stopped coming in last week,” the bartender said, bringing you your usual. You blinked, surprised that he had held onto hope that long, it had been months since you had showed up, “Still orders you a drink every time,” he added before leaving. You squeezed your eyes shut, what the hell were you even thinking? And that is how you found yourself desperately knocking on his door. You honestly weren’t sure what you were going to say to him, but you knew you didn’t want to hurt him any longer. It took him a good few minutes to open the door, and when he did, he looked groggy,

“(Y/N)?” he said softly, rubbing his eyes.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” you said, taking in the fact that he was just clad in an old tee shirt and boxers. He self consciously ran a hand through his hair, trying to get it to lay flat.

“No, no you’re fine, come in,” Rafael replied, stepping aside. You followed him to his couch, sitting next to him.

“Rafael,” you said softly, turning toward him, “I know it’s late and I know you’re mad, but I was stupid. I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” you turned towards him, looking straight at him for the first time in a while. Rafael was smiling softly, looking at you in a way that made you shiver.

“So I take it I have my best friend back,” he whispered. You just nodded. He just looked at you after that, a look that you had seen from him before. Suddenly Rafael’s hands went to your sides, leaning in and pressing his lips against yours. You were stunned for a moment, not moving, but then your hands went to his head, threading your fingers through his hair and deepening the kiss until your phone started buzzing and you remembered that you had promised Kyle you’d be home and shit, Kyle. What were you doing. You had just kissed Rafael, and now you were confused. You pulled back, standing up and turning to leave, “Wait, (Y/N)!” he called, but you were already out the door. You ran a hand through your hair, running down to your car. You sat there for a few seconds, just breathing. You picked up your phone, answering Kyle’s call as you pulled out to head home.

“Hey, sorry I had to work late, I’ll be home soon,” you said. Kyle ended the call quickly, already pissed off. You didn’t even know what to think at the moment. Leaving Kyle, it felt impossible. He was familiar, but you knew deep down inside that you had been lying to yourself about him. He hit you, he hit you more than once, and you had told yourself that after your father, you wouldn’t put up with that anymore. You knew you needed to break up with him for that reason not to even mention the fact that you had been ignoring your feelings for Rafael for far too long. You couldn’t picture your life without him and he obviously felt something for you. By the time you reached your apartment, your mind was made up. You weren’t putting up with this any longer. You would break up with Kyle and you would call Rafael later, but when you got in the apartment, he was already furious.

“Where the hell were you?” he screamed, shoving over a table.

“Kyle, stop that,” you said, “We need to talk okay, this just isn’t going to work out. I’m done dealing with this,” Kyle got up in your face,

“You think you’re gonna break up with me you little bitch, I say when this is over,” he hissed,   
grabbing you roughly. “I am in charge here,”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..  
  
When you came to, the apartment was empty, and your whole body hurt. You could barely move at all. It was dark. You just laid there for hours, staring at the ceiling, fading in out and out of consciousness. You reached up, rubbing your eyes, something wet and warm ending up on your hands.You assumed it was blood. Everything hurt, and all you wanted to do was shut your eyes and pass out, but you knew that was a bad idea. When you finally managed to sit up, you were hit with a wave of dizziness, so you leaned against the wall, shutting your eyes again. It felt like forever before you were able to stand up, you were wobbly. You didn’t even want to see what you looked like, so you just slowly made your way over to the living room and collapsed down onto the couch. Your head was pounding, so you finally just let yourself close your eyes and succumb to the darkness.

The next time you woke up, you felt less like you were wading through molasses with every thought. You could feel your phone buzzing in your pocket, but you didn’t feel up to answering it. When you tried to turn on the light later, it just made your headache worse. It was hours before you decided to go and clean yourself up a little bit. You pulled off your torn and bloody clothes, pulling on a sweater and some leggings. Your face was covered in blood, some of it had dried, but some of the cuts, especially the ones on your face, were still oozing. The whole left side of your face was red and stinging, and you knew it would develop into bruising. The cold, wet towel that you pressed against your face was soothing. Feeling a lot better after having cleaned up, you turned the tv on and dimmed the lights. You were in no shape to go to work, you were pretty sure your wrist was broken, and your ribs hurt every time you took a breath. When it got to be a decent hour in the morning, you called Liv and told her you had the flu and that you wouldn’t be in. The rest of your day was spent on the couch, doing nothing. You felt numb.

Around six or seven, your phone started ringing, non stop, but you ignored it, figuring it was Kyle. You didn’t want to talk to anyone even if it wasn’t. About an hour later, someone was pounding on the door. You dragged yourself up to your feet and headed over to see who it was. You opened the door, just a little bit, “Rafael?” you said softly, opening the door just a little bit more, enough that your face was still shrouded by the darkness, but he could look at you.

“(Y/N),” Rafael said, looking concerned, “Liv said you were sick, and I-I just wanted to tell you I was sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. I-I thought maybe we could talk. I brought some soup,”

“Thanks for dropping by, but I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now,” you said softly, not wanting to hurt him, but he couldn’t see you like this. You couldn’t admit to him that after everything you’d been through, that you let this happen to yourself again. You couldn’t look him in the eyes and try to explain all of it, so you started to close the door, but he stuck his hand out,

“Please, (Y/N), I messed up,” he pleaded, pushing the door open, “Can I please come in?” You took a step back, relenting, and he stepped inside. You crossed your arms, quietly walking to the couch and sitting down. Rafael followed you, dropping down into the seat next to you. He reached over, turning on a lamp beside him, and you flinched back, squeezing your eyes shut. Your head started to pound even more. You heard his concerned gasp, and it made you want to cry. “(Y/N), oh my god, did he do that to you?” Rafael asked softly, grabbing your face. You hissed as his hand brushed against your left cheek. You opened your eyes, looking into his concerned, light green ones. You felt a wave of shame and embarrassment wash over you, so you pulled away, refusing to look at Rafael. Tears were stinging your eyes, but you fought back, trying to hold them in. You stood up, turning away,

“Please just go,” you whispered, but Rafael just followed you,

“(Y/N), did Kyle do that to you?” he asked pointedly, he wasn’t going to let this go. He sounded disgusted when he spat out Kyle’s name. You were silent, staring at your feet, “I’m not leaving until you talk to me,” Rafael insisted. You wanted to punch his stubborn, stupid face. Why couldn’t he just let you alone. You knew it was because he cared about you, but couldn’t he see you didn’t want to talk about this.

“What the hell do you want me to say Rafael,” you snapped, turning towards him. You were having trouble choking back your tears. Rafael pulled you against him despite your struggling.

“I’m right here, it’s okay,” he whispered. You bit your lip, _don’t cry, don’t let him see you cry._ You squeezed your eyes shut, trying not to sob. Rafael could feel you shaking, “Let it out, cry, it’s alright to cry,” and that was it, you dissolved into sobs. He stroked your hair and your back,

“He just got so angry,” you sobbed, “I should have left him sooner, I should have called you or Sonny. I was just so stupid,”

“It’s okay now,” Rafael whispered, “I’ve got you (Y/N). He won’t touch you again,” You were shaking, gripping his sleeves. You regretted not asking him for help sooner, you knew he would have come if you called. Maybe this all could have been avoided. Later, Rafael insisted on getting ice for your face while he helped pack your clothes. You told him you didn’t think Kyle was coming back, but he didn’t want to take any chances, so he helped you get your things together, just enough for a couple of days, and he took you to his apartment, promising to take you to a doctor the next day. So you found yourself sitting on the bed in his guest room, your knees drawn up against your chest, just letting yourself decompress. A knock on the door startled you. Rafael poked his head in, “Hey, how are you doing?” he asked softly.

“Fine I guess,” you whispered back, “You’re sure I’m not in your way?” Rafael just shook his head at you,

“Of course not,” he assured you, “Can I come in? I made you something to eat, and I thought we could talk,”

“You made food?” you asked, laughing. Rafael glared slightly, opening the door and coming to sit on the edge of the bed. You moved over so he could sit next to you. “Thank you,” you murmured, taking the plate he offered. The sandwich looked edible, but you were slightly dubious. You took a bite of it, it was actually alright. “It’s good,” you said, smiling at him, “So what did you want to talk about?” Rafael looked a little apprehensive, speechless for once.

“(Y/N),” he said softly, pulling at his tie to loosen it. he rolled his sleeves up, obviously trying to work out what he wanted to say in his head, “When I talk to you, when we’re together, I lose track of time. When I go home, I miss you. I look for you every time I’m at work, I hope to see you so I can just see your smile, hear your voice. When something good happens to me, all I want to do is call you and talk to you about it. (Y/N), I love you, and I don’t want to spend another minute without you knowing how I feel. I can’t ignore it anymore. I understand if you don’t feel the same way or if it’s too soon but-” You cut him off, grabbing his shoulders and pressing your lips to his. He let out a surprised gasp before wrapping his arms around you and threading his fingers through your hair. When you finally pulled away, you just leaned your forehead against his,

“Raf?” you whispered, running a hand through his hair,

“Hmm?” he asked, still gently running his hands across your body because he could,

“I love you too,” you murmured. You saw the emotion in his eyes in response to your admission.

“I’m still calling Liv,” he whispered back after few moments to break the silence. You laughed softly, smacking his shoulder,

“You know that’s not why I said that,” you said, giggling as he smirked at you. He raised his eyebrows, challenging you, so you just flopped down on the bed, shaking your head. Rafael was so damn infuriating sometimes. He reached over and grabbed your hand, and you squeezed his back. You felt safer than ever before. 


End file.
